After my sister passed in 2012 and we had the burial…my life spiralled out of control.
I thought I was emotionally strong.
I didn’t cry or show any major emotional breakdown. I was even angry with some of my my mum’s friends that visited her at the time because they kept reliving the experience which made her weep the more. That I couldn’t take. I can take anything but not my mum weeping.
Even during the burial, I barked at some people that wanted to snap her corpse and coffin.(I still don’t understand why people do it).
I came back to my work in Lagos…everyone encouraged me to forget about her and move on with life. (I still don’t understand why people do that as well…it is okay to allow someone to grief, just be there to ensure they don’t slip into depression.)
I moved on but didn’t really move on.
I was grieved inside…angry with God. How can he allow this to happen? I prayed but I got no reply. The only comfort I had was knowing at some point, Temitayo found Christ.
I was silently angry but I doubt if anyone noticed. It started affecting my job. Then my boss noticed.. God bless him. He called me, encouraged and tears flowed freely from my eyes…then he gave me a break.
I stopped going to church at a point because where I was worshipping all they talked about was nothing that could challenge my spirit. I wanted more from church. All those motivational things didn’t touch my spirit.
I had good friends around, they did their bit but no one really knew what was going on in my private life and heart.
Before Tayo’s death I had lost a relationship that was dear to my heart…everything overwhelmed me but I coped well at least on the outside. People didn’t notice the rut that was happening inside even me I didn’t really notice.
It became so dark at one point that for some weeks I engaged in vices that I had renounced as a believer. I couldn’t recognise myself again but on the outside everything looked fine.
I became depressed at a point…I wanted more out of my life but this hurt that I didn’t deal with was drowning me.
Then I reconnected with some old friends and made new ones. I was actively writing at the time to keep my spirit motivated and alive.
Somewhere inside of me…the Holy Spirit was shedding his love into my heart. My mum shared a revelation with me and I knew it was God speaking to her about me as usual but I looked okay so she didn’t worry much.
However I told myself, Mayowa, it is time to rise again and I did rise.
His everlasting arms held me…mercy said no.
Everything turned around…I reconnected with purpose and things changed totally.
Some people here will be very surprised at what I am sharing today because they were actively in my life at the time.
I didn’t see it as a problem then but now I can see it clearly.
I see that you can be so hurt and still look okay on the surface. I see what shame can do to people. I see what fear of the future can do to people. I see that when you lose hope, you lose the desire to live again.
I can also see clearly that when you are at this point, the devil will try to isolate you and make you feel no one cares about you.
When I read the story of the man that killed himself yesterday I just felt like encouraging someone out there…don’t lost HOPE.
Don’t isolate yourself… don’t bury the hurt in your heart… don’t turn your back against God…don’t allow fear cripple you…don’t allow shame bury your heard.
You will come out of this and this shall pass as well. It shall come to pass and you will rise higher. You will shine brighter… everything will turn to a testimony.
You will see a new day.
Your best years are not behind, they are ahead. Go for it!
Call someone… open up…don’t bottle it up… GET HELP.
You lost a relationship?
You lost a loved one?
You lost a baby?
You lost a job?
You got pregnant and you aren’t married?
Things are not going well with you?
You are losing hope?
DON’T GIVE UP… There is sunshine just at the bend.
If you have a friend that is isolating himself or herself… why not reach out today? An sms can save a life from wreckage or even untimely death.
Are you going through a difficult time? Will you like to share and have someone counsel/pray with you? Send a mail to threshinghouseteam@gmail.com
